Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
