In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
