Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Randomize