I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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