Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
