God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
