I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
