mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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