totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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