My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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