I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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