new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i can't believe i had my finger in that
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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