I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
