shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
