A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Randomize
