you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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