I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
