You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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