Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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