I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
