I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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