so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
