And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Randomize
