do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
