How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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