dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
