she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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