Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
