The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize