I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize
