you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
