hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
