i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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