I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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