Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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