i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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