Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
