I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
