I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
