god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Damn victory sex feels great
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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