yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Randomize
