I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
