I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
