Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
We don't watch enough power rangers
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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