last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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