Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
