I'm jealous of your bromance
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
