it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
love makes seman taste better
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
