Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
