I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
