I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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