just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
