I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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