also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Randomize
