Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
