Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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