I accidentally had phone sex last night
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Randomize
