There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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