i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Randomize
