The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
