I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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