New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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